Belting out tunes in the car on the way to work. I really will be screaming that one day. In part I already am ✨✨✨#dreams (at Hoover’s Market)
I think I’ve been too afraid to write. Writing makes it real. I’ve purposefully put off writing songs about boys, even when the melody is screaming in my mind…because I’m desperate not to fall for them. This is like that…only about so many more things than just a boy.
I woke up today from a crazy dream. Ironically waking up to what I’m living felt more like falling asleep to an even crazier dream.
Everything that’s happening right now, I feel like I’ve already dreamed it. But it feels like a nightmare I already woke up from.
I’ve had more dejavu’s and moments I know for absolute fact I dreamed, than is able for me to not be just a little shaken up.
It’s a gut twisting, intestines pulling, heart stabbing feeling this was always and somehow never, supposed to happen.
How do you live with that feeling? What do you do with it?
It feels like I’m doing the right things, and it feels like I’m making the biggest mistakes of my life.
None of my choices feel anywhere close to right anymore. But maybe some of them still are.
Maybe my heart still knows what my brain is pushing me to doubt.
It’s shoving me into a corner full of knives poking out of the wall and piercing me from behind.
The pain is so intense, it’s all I can feel.
I can hardly see the stage. I can barely hear my band. I can’t make out my house in the autumn.
His eyes are disappearing.
I did that once before; the winter of my first year in Nashville, and I swore I’d never do it again.
I completely lost myself.
I let myself go numb.
I stopped caring if I’d ever even make it to a stage.
I stopped caring to find any sort of friends I could call my community.
I stopped believing I deserved any of it.
And then they found me;
who I realized I wanted and truly needed more than anything else…my community. They found ME.
I didn’t even have to look. They came out of absolutely no where and took me in.
They swept me up and spun me around, I mean literally.
And then I found me, someone crazy and wild.
Someone I’d always been.
Someone I never could believe anyone else saw.
But they found it in me after I’d lost it in me. They brought it back out.
They were the first people to convince me without even trying I was the beautifully wild and luminous girl I felt but never could see.
I saw it with them.
I don’t know how they did it, but they did.
And the rest started to come…I could see my band again. I could hear the music. I could see the hope rising in the eyes of people who came to see me play, I could hear their laughs at my stupid jokes.
I could feel the sun beaming down even when it was pouring rain… I still ran around like it was a crisp autumn day.
I woke up every morning to a window view of giant hills and beautiful leaves.
Sometimes I woke up to white blankets and flawlessly leafless branches.
I woke up every day to somebody asking how I was or if they could see me.
Every day I thought the same exact thing. I can’t believe I get to wake up here.
And it didn’t matter what was happening…The bad stuff didn’t matter.
As soon as I was in someones passenger seat and the windows were down…In the den having a dance party with people crazier than me…In a living room digging into The Bible and sharing stories… I looked around and it was home. That’s what mattered.
And I felt so close to everything. In part I was already living my dreams…My biggest dream was to simply belong. For the first time in my life, I truly felt like I belonged, and I KNEW I did.
Not to downgrade any beautiful person or any beautiful experience in my life that came before, I simply can’t explain the sinking feeling that still, a bolt had been somewhere missing inside.
I found that bolt.
Now that bolt feels 701 miles away.
I had 3 days off of work in a row this week. Typically I would see multitudes of people at the same time or spend entire days with someone having random adventures. I’m used to that now. I might be recording the next track on my EP or having my release show by now…I might be jamming with someone I’m pretty sure is gonna be my guitarist or writing an angry song with a friend at 1 am.
People call and ask if in 10 minutes I want to go hiking with them and I get to say yes.
This weekend I cried.
This weekend it hit me harder than it has since being back in Florida.
There are people here who I love so dearly.
So many things have become so complicated I’ve become terrified to reach out at all.
I’ve had my heart pushed through a paper shredder.
I can’t take anymore.
Everything I do makes a bigger mess so instead I’ve removed myself from the picture.
I physically can’t take it. I feel my chest caving in just thinking about it.
I’m feeling all of the things I felt before I left this place. That’s why I left.
I’ve been violently pounding those feelings down by brightening customer’s days and trying to create a community with people who have no idea; they’re the people I have right now.
I’ve been violently pounding those feelings down by refusing to journal.
I can’t write them down.
If I write them down that means they are in me to write…because I’m not really living this life.
I’m at home.
I’m in my bed, and tomorrow I’m waking up to snow on the ground.
I still feel like I might wake up to that all of the time, but that’s what happened the day we got in our car and left 10 months ago.
I think I wake up feeling lost and disoriented; with a heart beating wild as though a lion were at my feet… because I’m waking up somewhere I still am not expecting to be.
I didn’t even get a warning.
I was sprinting through to my biggest dreams becoming real…They were actually happening.
Then, in a matter of 2 days; 2 days: I was driving 701 miles away from everything I finally was getting to live.
It happened in 2 days. And even then I thought it would be for maybe 3 weeks. 3 months went by.
Then suddenly I had 2 weeks. 2 weeks to travel back to my home and pack up my life into boxes. 2 weeks with the only time seeing the people who brought my eyes back to light, being the 2 days they helped me move my boxes into storage. And this is after not seeing them for 3 months.
Now it’s been almost a whole year.
I’m starting to realize why I’m a little bit screwed up.
I still picture 601 Old Hickory Blvd, Brentwood, Tennessee with my cream fuzzy blanket outside on the deck and my song book sitting on top of my piano and my giant teddy bear sitting at the edge of my bed.
Someone else is living there now.
My mind has yet to process that.
It still feels like any day now I’ll be driving back up and everything will look the same.
But now I have a job with people I care about more than they know, who ask me questions about my life I’m speechless to answer. I actually drive now and I have a job and I’m doing things I couldn’t even fathom having done before…I’m brave. And yet most of the time I feel like this weak little girl.
I’m glad for this time because of who I’ve become…and I’m tormented by this time because of who I feel I’m losing… Because of what I feel I’m losing.
God, this is me in the bluntly honest, raw and vulnerable.
I feel so lost I can’t fathom anything as being right in this anymore.
I don’t know what to do about anything in any part of my life.
Please remind me you’re still in this with me.
I love you and I still trust you, but I feel shattered. Please make me whole again.
I feel like I need to recognize that I might be slightly screwed up in my brain and might be making mistakes and believing lies about myself and possibly about other people. I’ve been through some things…I think they might have screwed me up a little more than I realized. God, please make beauty out of those things.
Closing time is my favorite. @cameronl1295 @alwaysemma_ getting rid of dry ice! (at Hoover’s Market)