Legend; wait for it…
This guy from this band sang a song called Legendary today, and that phrase came into my mind. I can’t have dairy and almond milk is what the cool kids drink. But really we aren’t that cool, because tonight there was pizza in front of me that I couldn’t eat. But then again…right now I’m drinking a big slushied chocolate milk with frozen cherries and honey; it came from almonds. I’m not complaining.
In fact, I’m having trouble concentrating on writing this right now because this chocolate milk is so good. It’s hogging my attention. And right now as I’m half writing/fully chocolate indulging, my mom is loading the dishwasher with dishes I should be loading. Instead, I’m in here writing this because I got home from an awesome concert and so I have to write about it.
It’s 2 am and I’m downing chocolate milk with protein powder in it before I go to bed and I’m wrapped in a blanket and I don’t want to do any kind of work at 2 am and I’m selfish. And what does it really even mean to be selfish?
Is it selfish that I’ve had a full day and no one told me I’d have to clean when I got home late? Would it be less selfish if my full day had consisted of me working hard at a job? But it wasn’t cleaning a whole house I was asked to do…it was a few dishes.
What does it really mean to be selfish? Is it selfish I asked my friend to take a photo of me today while he was talking to someone new? And then I spilled my water all over the floor. Is it selfish my mind was somewhere else when I swung my jacket onto a table with a glass of water?
What about when I wanted to wait at the stage door for the bands tonight? Is it selfish our new friends wanted to go eat and I wanted to stay and wait a while?
And then at dinner…we were talking about the orlando music scene and how all of the good artists seem to move to Nashville. How horribly selfish is it the feeling of wanting them to know I moved to nashville for music came over me?
What is selfishness? Can it be put into the same category as a moment of pride? Is it the will to get your way above the sacrifice for someone elses needs? And what about selfishness VS. being assertive?
Was my wanting to wait out the bands tonight selfish, or was it me speaking up over something that mattered to me?
Can I blame spilling my water on having my mind on overdrive with my current difficult situation?
Was it selfish or prideful to want the people at our table to know I lived in Nashville, when I’m just desperate to talk about it due to how homesick I’ve become?
Is it selfish to even attempt to defend selfishness?
I don’t know how all of these questions just came about… I had a really good day and an amazing night. But somewhere along the way I found myself looking up on the stage and wishing more than anything I could be up there. Somewhere along the way I became a little bit discontent with being in the audience, even if I wasn’t fully aware. Somewhere along the way I became angry at my circumstances and I wanted to be home in Tennessee. I wanted to be doing something that was taking me closer to being up on that stage. Of course, if I wasn’t in my current circumstance, I would have missed an awesome show tonight.
Is it selfish to feel like I’m missing out on so much because of the things I can’t control, when people are struggling to find money for food? I didn’t eat out tonight…but I sure ate a lot at home.
My mind has been so full of thoughts this past week my eye’s started twitching. How can I be so inspired and encouraged, only to feel rotten about myself and completely discouraged? Why do these things have to come hand in hand? Why is there such a struggle in retaining joy? In keeping hold of hope?
I may never have the answers to all of the questions in my head, but I do know this:
No matter how selfish and undeserving I may find myself to be, in the eyes of the one who made me I am golden. I am worth it and precious and grace covered. My faults can no longer be seen once I recognize they are there and I ask for forgiveness. It’s done.
It’s when I can’t forgive myself; that’s when I feel like a repetitively erased drawing…crumbled up and tossed away.
He will never toss me out. Never. When I feel like my dream has expired…It’s not even ripe yet. God has not forgotten me. He sees so much more than I can. All my story has done, is prep me to be used by Him in even more beautiful ways. After all…how easy is it to be inspired by someone who got handed their “successes” on a silver platter? Not so simple.
Of course, I believe no one gets off without knee crumbling seasons. But it’s the people who are honest about where they’ve come from; what they’ve come out of…Those are the people who impact lives.
The majority of my life I’ve lived wanting to help people to know their worth.
God’s taken me on quite some journey to truly realize mine, before I can help others to realize theirs.
I’ve found you don’t realize your worth in the everything’s-peachy times.
Everything may not always feel peachy…and that’s okay. I am where I am supposed to be. God is who He says He is. My purpose is real and it matters. My value is not in my works, nor the works done to, for, or against me.
I am a human being who is selfish and hopeful and empty and dream filled and full of longing and troubled with doubts and consumed with love, all while feeling alone.
My name Isis. My dream is to help people know they matter through music. My fear is that my story won’t matter.